I am freaking confused over what I'm going to strive for next year. I know that there have been multiple occassions where I've stressed that my number 1 priority is to get into a junior college, but now I'm just wondering whether it'll be the best choice. I'm not having second thoughts - I just want to weigh my options properly. God damnit, how can people - society, parents, siblings, family, teachers- expect us to make this crucial decision at the age of 16. A decision that can and will have a significant impact on the rest of our lives.

Anyways, like everyone else, I've gotten many, and I say by the dozens, of newsletters and brochures and booklets and magazines and leaflets from the polytechnics, and none, zilch from the junior colleges. I'm not complaining but would it hurt for them to send out brochures to interested students on their curriculum for next year and their activities and all of that? From the look of things, it really does seem to me that the polytechnics are more interested in luring students to their domains, as compared to the junior colleges. Maybe, in the colleges' point of view, they don't really need to lure students, since they will always have that constant supply of students coming through their gates, some even begging to be let in.

I've gotten around to reading the magazines sans information booklets that the polytechnics have been distributing, and I must say, more than 1 of the courses offered appeal to me. Should the magazines have been given, say at the beginning of the year, I might have only been interested in 1 of them. But at this point, I'm keeping my options very much open. I have to admit that I'm so very tempted to join a polytechnic because as people have said, they have this vibrancy about them.

However, I must also think about where I'm going to be heading towards after junior college/polytechnic and the National Service. A spot in a university is a guaranteed must or I'll just die. But what am I going to be taking there? Is it the course that I've been wanting to get ever since I was 11? Or will I surprise myself and take a completely different course?

I'm getting a little too far ahead of myself, but that's me, I'm not a spontaneous person, and I need to have a plan. Back to my current dilemma. I really want to experience the courses at the polytechnics, having hands on practical on a current niche. At the same time, 3 years is a pretty long period of time, factoring in National Service after that, and also university life. Not only that, would being in a polytechnic really give me that much of an advantage? That's a given should I want to start working by the age of 20, but at a university, everyone is pretty much a blank slate, right?

The idea of just studying a single niche subject scares the shit out of me. What if I'm crap at it? The consolation about being in a junior college is that the subjects are similar to those in secondary school, albeit 200% more difficult with thrice as much thinking. But at least it's not a complete overhaul of the current life. I just can't imagine starting school at 3 pm. It may sound like a lot of fun, but maybe, it's not for me. I need a structure in life I stick to it. Personally for me, I'd rather have a 7am-3pm schedule than have none at all.

At the same time, my fear or my unsure-ness of getting into a polytechnic is because I'm fearful of choosing the wrong niche course for me. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to switch courses just because I'm afraid of the consequences and the outcome of my decision. I won't necessarily get into the desired course that I want and may end up somewhere where I have less or no interest at all. That's a scary thought to think about.

The thing about a junior college is that it's similar, yet so different from secondary school life. I may be able to adapt better there, but there's no guarantee that I'll perform. Hopefully, at university, I hope everyone gets an equal footing. At least I'm hoping that anything that would benefit me would be best.

Writing this blog entry has been therapeutic for me in a sense that i really got deep into my thoughts and sorted out all the puzzle in my head. There will be more reasonings as I keep thinking about the very decision that I'm going to have to make on my own to determine my next step in life. My mind is telling me 100% to strive for a place in junior college, but my heart is telling me that it's only about 75%. As cliche and corny as it sounds, it's true. It's up to me now to make them both 100%. If only the polytechnics would stop mailing in those booklets, then maybe I would have a peace of mind;)